By Adam Lippin and Madelon Guinazzo
In a post-Harvey Weinstein world, many men are saying, “That’s not me, I’m not that guy. You can trust me.” but many men (and women too) still don’t know how to act to create relationships of respect and trust between equals. As Co-Founder’s of Cuddlist.com and as Cuddle Party facilitator’s, we truly believe that, if these two steps were part of our culture, perhaps actions like those of Weinstein and Trump would not be.
If you want to be seen as a confident, articulate person at work and not seen as a creep, you need to learn the two most important emotional intelligence skills: making a clear ask and respecting the answer.
Here are the two most vital skills to move from meaning well but still making a mess of things to being confident, clear, and trustworthy.
Making a clear ask
Respecting the answer
That’s it. Simple, right?
Let’s look at these concepts in action
Step 1) Ask specifically and clearly for what you want. When possible include details about location, timing, price, and intention. Avoid vague questions. Vague questions lead to misunderstandings, drama, and disappointment. For example:
👎 a) Do you want to have dinner tonight?
👍 b) I would like to have dinner with you to discuss the Google project. I suggest we go to Bloomin’ Beets at 7 and be done by 8:30. We’ll each pay for our own. Does that work for you?
👎 a) Let’s grab a drink after work.
👍 b) I would like to get to know you better outside of a work environment. Would you like to go to the hotel bar across the street at 6:30pm, and we can be done by 7:30pm?
Step 2) Respect their answer by responding kindly and with integrity. This means that a “Yes” means “yes”. Anything else is a “no”.
In most work environments we’re taught that a “no” is a “yes in disguise” or a “starting point for negotiation” or, worse, it’s a rejection. We are rarely taught to respect a “no” as a valid answer, a gesture of respect, or a starting point for a clear, honest, and trustworthy relationship. It’s time that changed.
When your questions is met with anything but a “yes” practice these responses.
A new culture of responses to a “no”:
“Thank you for taking care of yourself.”
“Thank you for being honest with us/me.”
“Thank you for being clear.”
“Thank you for being realistic.”
“Thank you for knowing your limits.”
“Thank you for giving me the information I need.”
Hearing “no” can be hard. When you hear it, take a deep breath. Say “thank you”. If you need more support, ask for it but not from the person who just said “no” to you.
It’s even harder to say “no” than it is to hear it. So honor the hard work they just did with your “thank you” and don’t cry on their shoulder, threaten, or manipulate.
All of us can learn and practice these two skills. You can start with the very next conversation you have. Be concise and clear about what you want. Then listen to and honor the answer. Period.
You can be a part of the solution and take these clear, actionable steps right now.
These skills are simple but not easy. Learning them requires practicing, making mistakes, and is easier with a good teacher.
To have fun and be efficient learning these skills, we suggest you:
a) Attend a Cuddle Party, which is, essentially, a workshop on consent using touch and our voices as the vehicle.
b) Have a session with a Certified Cuddist Practitioner, and do a really deep dive into practicing asking for what you want, setting boundaries, and respecting the answers.
c) Attend our bi-monthly webinars facilitated by us and special expert guests.
d) Invite us s to your business for an actionable workshop and get everyone on the same page learning at once.
Think you could provide touch to others?
Why not join our movement with over 100 cuddlists throughout the country, and make money while doing something you love.
Start your journey in becoming a Certified Professional Cuddler HERE